The Magic of Conversation
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Conversation is the main subject which involves every gentleman.It mean of peculiarity, the living room the scene of his brilliance. All therefore whom you meet, should be treated with equal respect, although interest may dictate toward each different degrees of attention. It is disrespectful to the inviter to ignore any of the guests. Those whom he has honoured by asking to his house, you should sanction by admitting to your social contact.
If you meet any one whom you have never heard of before, you may converse with him with entire good manners. The form of introduction is nothing more than a statement by a mutual friend that two gentlemen are by rank and manners fit associates for one another. All this may be recognized from the fact, that both meet at a respectable house. This is the theory of the matter. Custom, however, requires that you should take the earliest opportunity afterwards to be regularly offered to such an one.
The great business in company is conversation. It should be studied as art. Style in conversation is as important, and as capable of promotion as style in writing. The manner of saying things is what gives them their value.
The most important requisite for succeeding here, is constant and strong-minded attention. That which Churchill has noted as the greatest virtue on the stage, is also the most necessary in company, to be “always attentive to the business of the scene.” Your understanding should, like your person, be armed at all points. It is fatal to success to be all absent or distrait. The secret of conversation has been said to consist in building upon the remark of your companion. Men of the strongest minds, who have solitary habits and serious dispositions, rarely excel in sprightly colloquy, because they seize upon the thing itself, the subject practically, instead of attending to the language of other speakers, and do not cultivate spoken pleasantries and refinements. He who does otherwise gains a reputation for quickness, and pleases by showing that he has regarded the observation of others.
It is an error to suppose that conversation consists in talking. A more important thing is to listen discreetly. Mirabeau said, that to succeed in the world, it is necessary to submit to be taught many things which you understand, by persons who know nothing about them. Flattery is the smoothest path to success; and the most refined and satisfying compliment you can pay, is to listen. “The wit of conversation consists more in finding it in others,” says La Bruy,re, “than in showing a great deal yourself: he who goes from your conversation pleased with himself and his own humorousness, is perfectly well pleased with you. Most men had rather please than admire you, and seek less to be instructed, nay, delighted, than to be approved and much-admired. The most delicate pleasure is to please another.”
It is certainly proper enough to convince others of your merits. But the highest idea which you can give a man of your own penetration, is to be thoroughly impressed with his. Patience is a social engine. To listen, to wait, and to he wearied are the certain elements of good fortune.
If there be any foreigner present at a dinner party, or small evening party, who does not understand the language which is spoken, good breeding requires that the conversation should be carried on entirely in his language. Even among your most intimate friends, never address any one in a language not understood by all the others. It is as bad as whispering.
Never speak to any one in company about a private affair which is not understood by others, as asking how that matter is coming on. In so doing you indicate your opinion that the rest are de trop. If you wish to make any such inquiries, always explain to others the business about which you inquire, if the subject admit of it.
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